throbbing to no accord

Loving you has made me a vagabond, a tramp, a stranger in his own home. Home that I don’t have, haven’t had, home that I shall never have. Home I shall no longer dream of. Dreams I shall no longer see, dreams I shall no longer dream of.

A stranger I was, a stranger in my own eyes have become. Lost, lost as never lost before. Castaway of paths and passages. Given up like never to the desolation of abandoned routes. Not knowing whence I have come, wither I am going. Not knowing who I was, who I am, where there could still be a becoming, a faring, a homecoming. Yes, not knowing, truly not knowing how to console trees in their plight.

Yes, it troubles, distresses, disrupts, it disintegrates me. It deports me to unknown and secluded lands where I make headway leaving behind memory and name. My shadow no longer recognises itself in this perdition nor wishes to take part in this perdition. I invoked you until my skin was shed. My flesh consumed in your flames, my head has gone. Heart emptied out, heart soared, heart a mound of cinder receiving the fine flakes of your bereaved seasons. Again I would need to invent another body to cast myself anew in the furnace of your longing. Again, to reinvent you through desire, I need to alight in a body. Who is the conceiver, who the conceived? Where am I to beget a form now? Where is this soul streaming now? Will you let me sojourn for a night in your eyes? Will you dream me into existence tonight?

You have made a puppet out of me, a creature without will, a scarecrow abandoned to the cold of fallow fields staring behind closed lids at the taking flight of ravens redrawing winter’s arteries in a sky of lead. How you resemble me now, you sky of lead. Yes, sky of lead, longing for longing, you bruise my heart to measure your own abysses as I soar the peaks of laments.

You have made me a wanderer, one lost to himself, unmindful of paths, unmindful of directions, of ascensions and descents.

You have every reason to resist this inferno, this ravage, this injury, this rapacious unfurling of fire. Yes, you have every reason to want to cling to your reason.

Through this song I render you blessings. You who are, you who laud my loss.